HUGE thanks to Matias Tautimez for transcribing this for us!
Smash Fiction Episode 2: Power Rangers vs. Godzilla
Judge: Liz Logan
Godzilla Advocates: Kit Mulkerin and Miles Schneiderman
Power Rangers Advocates: Colin Mulkerin and Dan Mulkerin
Liz: Welcome back to episode two of Smash Fiction, where we pit two or more nerd icons against each other and argue who would win. On this week’s episode, Godzilla vs the Power Rangers.
-Music: Hit Man by Kevin McLeod begins-
Liz: Rita Repulsa is in a fit of failed hair styling rage and has decided to take her anger out on the Power Rangers. She manages to contact Godzilla… in some form… and suggest that Angel Grove would be a tasty target for him to attack. She convinces him that it has five nuclear power plants, a depleted uranium processing facility, an irradiated lake, and other tasty nuclear-related things.
Godzilla emerges from the sea and begins to stomp a devastating trail throughout the area. The Power Rangers, feeling rather glum about just having coming out from a showing of a Transformers movie, are immediately contacted by Zordon who informs them of Angel Grove’s new threat. Eager to prove their Zords in being able to better protect the world than those Transformers, the Power Rangers morph, summon their Zords, and get ready to fight.
I, Liz Logan, will be your judge. Let’s introduce our advocates. Arguing for Godzilla are Kit Mulkerin-
Kit: (to the tune of Godzilla by Blue Oyster Cult) Oh no! There goes Angel Grove! Go, go, Godzilla!
Miles: – laughter-
Liz: And Miles Schneiderman.
Miles: I hope you guys brought your LOSER Zords.
Kit: – laughter-
Colin: I think the jerk store called, by the way, Miles. (Miles: -laughter-) They’re runnin’ outta you.
Liz: And arguing for the Power Rangers are Colin Mulkerin.
Colin: It’s morphin’ time.
Liz: And Dan Mulkerin.
Dan: (screams) Tyrannosaurus!
(laughter from all)
Liz: Now to lay down some ground rules that we have discussed beforehand, the Godzilla team will be using the 30-something Toho studio movies in their arguments. They’re leaving out the comics, cartoons, the two American movies, and the fights my toy Godzilla had with my Barbies when I was eight. (–laughter from other cohosts-) So many fun memories. The Power Rangers team will be using the original five Power Rangers with their five basic Zords and MegaZord. As determined by our dice rolls, Team Godzilla will be going first. Team Godzilla, you have the floor.
Kit: Your Honor, I feel I need to start by saying that Godzilla would not stomp through Angel Grove with the intent to destroy it anymore than a hurricane intends to leave destruction in its wake. Godzilla is a force of nature, a god of destruction made manifest by mankind’s use of nuclear weaponry. When he comes searching for that sweet, sweet nuclear energy to feed upon, he’s probably gonna walk through some buildings. I’m pretty sure the Power Rangers will show up to the scene not long after Godzilla makes his way ashore, but he will be the biggest threat they have ever faced in their little teenage lives.
Godzilla stands at around 328 feet, almost 200 feet taller than the MegaZord and he weighs 55,000 tons. Good luck going toe-to-toe in your comparatively wimpy 570 ton mech. Godzilla has lifted and thrown enemies even heavier than he is. he could throw around and tear about the MegaZord with less effort than he ripped off MechaGodzilla’s head. Even if the Power Rangers tried to play it smart and keep their distance, Godzilla can outmatch them at range, as well. Most weapons used against him proved to be little than a nuisance.
Even if something gets through that tough hide of his, he has Organizer G-1 cells that allow him to regenerate. But seriously, good luck getting through that hide. He can survive complete submersion in magma and withstood a city-leveling meteor strike. Point. Blank. Once Godzilla’s done playing nice, that MegaZord’s gonna take some atomic breath, and it’s gonna take it hard. He has incredible range with it, such as being able to hit a target in SPAAACE… with pinpoint accuracy. He can even control what he wants the beam to do. It can melt objects or explosively blow through them. And if that’s not badass enough for you, he also knows how to flying dropkick. Godzilla’s got even more, but I’ll save it for the rebuttals.
Miles: Yeah.. I.. I … don’t care how many Powers and Zords and … eh… Power Zords these kids are bring to the party, or how many times they go crawling back to Zordon for more super juice, there’s only so much you can do against a walking nuclear disaster that has survived, among other things, passage through a black hole. All your power blasters, dragon daggers, and thunder slingers are going to be completely and utterly useless. If Godzilla wants to destroy Angel Grove, the best course for the Power Rangers is to help with the evacuation. I mean, what else are they going to do? Nuke Angel Grove? I somehow don’t see that being a solution the Rangers will embrace, and even if they did, there’s evidence to suggest that such a blast would only make Godzilla stronger. (Kit: Nom, nom…)
The oxygen destroyer was effective, but there was only ever one of those and it’s creator, Dr. Serizawa, sacrificed his own life so that no one would ever be able to build another one, and even then, the oxygen destroyer was successful in the very first Godzilla movie and Godzilla has rampaged across Japan many, many times since then. You’re talking about a creature, a force, as Kit said, that has never, ever been defeated, merely temporarily pacified. And you think he’s going to be stopped by teenagers with attitude? Frankly, I’d be surprised if the Power Rangers even survived their initial encounter with Godzilla, much less return for seconds. There’s a fundamental, psychological intimidation factor to be considered here. The Power Rangers are used to battling things like the Slippery Shark, uh, the Terror Toad, and of course, my personal favorite, the Fighting Flea. They don’t have the mental fortitude to handle something that could probably beat them in a martial arts contest, let alone annihilate them with a blast of atomic energy. The most powerful Zord ever envisioned would be dwarfed by some of the foes Godzilla has defeated on multiple occasions, most notably, MechaGodzilla. You know, the giant, alien, robot version of Godzilla that STILL got it’s shiny metal ass kicked by the real deal? No, there’s no universe, fictional or otherwise, in which the Power Rangers stand a chance. You don’t fight the storm, kids, you just deal with the damage afterward.
Liz: All right. Let’s uh, hear the Power Rangers.
Dan: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the question put before the court today is: will the Power Rangers do as their theme song encourages them and “Go, go,” or will Godzilla do as his Blue Oyster Cult composed theme song encourages and, also “Go, go?” (-laughter from all-) Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. (-more laughter from all-)
Liz: Excellent, Counselor, excellent
Dan: Thank you. Thank you, your Honor. Here’s the thing. Godzilla is the result of an unforeseen consequence of mid-twentieth century science. In stark contrast to this, the Power Rangers and their Zords have been designed using technology so incredibly advance as to utterly defy any understanding of physics we could hope to grasp at to eliminate monsters that are exactly like Godzilla. Godzilla spent the first few years of his existence knocking down buildings, wrecking Japanese infrastructure, and occasionally confronting a token resistance from the Japanese military of the 1950s, which is hardly going on anyone’s list of most impressive military forces. Only later in his career did he actually face any equivalent opposition. When Godzilla fights another giant monster, it is an EVENT for him. It is a BIG deal. It only happens once every several years. It always taxes Godzilla’s strength and endurance to the breaking point, and even then, he only barely manages to achieve victory, often only with the help of another giant monster or three.
The Rangers have been fighting giant monsters since the literal day they got their power coins. They take on a new, radically different foe every week, sometimes multiple times a week, and it takes them twenty minutes or less to figure out, overpower, and utterly annihilate their enemy. I can’t help but notice than an awful lot of Godzilla’s old enemies like Mothra and Gidhra are still around. Now compare that to the vast, vast, VAST majority of the Power Ranger’s rogues gallery who are basically still smoking craters on the outskirts of Angel Grove. Colin?
Colin: Yeah, so, uh, speaking of these monsters, the Power Rangers have fought a lot of monsters. Each season of Power Rangers, in addition to being a year of real time, corresponds to a year of real time in the real world. In their first year, the Power Rangers defeated over 50 unique monster.
Miles: And my favorite was Babe Ruthless.
Colin: There are ones that have powers that are far more wide ranging than Godzilla’s. There is the Gnarly Gnome, who can control minds. There is Eye Guy who has the ability to reassemble himself whenever he was destroyed. Madame Woe, who could trap people in alternate dimensions. They actually have about, like, nine different people that trap people in alternate dimensions, I won’t bore you with all of them right now. There was the Jellyfish. That was really his name, he was just the Jellyfish. He could teleport. They’ve had multiple enemies who have been described as being indestructible, who the Power Rangers then went on to destroy. And, like I said, each one of them that they defeat, they do so in less than a week’s time. It’s usually just kind of a foregone conclusion that the MegaZord’s gonna win. It lasts like a minute or two once the MegaZord shows up. Also, if you don’t notice, despite all these monsters attacks, Angel Grove is thriving. It’s doing really well. The kids still have time to have all sorts of hobbies and they’re doing well in school. Basically, they can take out these monsters, exactly like Godzilla, and a lot of them far stranger, without ever really breaking a sweat. It’s just one of their extracurricular activities, is keeping the city safe.
Miles: Oh my god, there is so much wrong with that. Aghh… it’s painful.
Liz: Alright… is uh…
Kit: Yeah, it’s … it’s really bad.
Liz: Are both sides finished with their main arguments?
Dan: We are, your Honor.
Liz: Alright. Let’s move on to rebuttals. Feel free to argue amongst yourselves
Kit: Umm… let’s start with the alien technology thing. You claim that the MegaZord is such advanced alien technology. Godzilla has dealt with advanced alien technology. And what about the fact that the MegaZord, as we brought up, is fucking tiny compared to Godzilla. You claim that it’s so used to fighting monsters, but it’s monsters its own size. You’ve never come across shit like this!
Dan: Uh, uh… just to point out. The MegaZord is listed as being between 41 and 42 meters tall. Godzilla is 50 meters tall in the Toho version.
Kit: No, that is in the very first movie. We’re… he has gotten bigger, and bigger, and bigger.
Dan: In the Showa version it is listed as 50 meters, uh… (Kit: That’s the first movie…) when he was claimed by Hanna-Barbera, he was 122 meters, which I believe is outside the range of the Godzilla that you had agreed to use.
Kit: No… the–
Miles: Godzilla does get bigger throughout the course of the Showa films —
Kit: No, the Millennium series is actually part of the Toho series. So…
Dan: So the Millennium is 55 meters…
Kit: No, he’s a hundred by the end of it.
Liz: Okay, clarification. I’m …using executive power right now.
Liz: When he’s a hundred meters tall, where does that fall between movies one and thirty-something?
Dan: Godzilla Final Wars is when he is at a hundred meters.
Colin: Given that we picked (Miles: While I…) the starting Power Rangers, um, without the Green Ranger or any of their other things, should they get the starting Godzilla?
Kit: See, this is why I wanted to specify which, like, level of Godzilla, and I said (Colin: Uh huh) “Are you guys sure you want us to use, the, like, the full Toho series?”
Miles: Frankly, I’m not sure the point even matters that much as it stands. Like, fifty meters, forty-four meters, whatever. This thing is an invincible force of nature. You talk so much about how the Power Rangers wrap up their.. their weekly adventures against their monsters by the end of the episode every time and go home happy, but this is not your run-of-the-mill monster. To me, what you’re saying smacks to me of the fact the Power Rangers have seen light competition throughout their history. If they can get this stuff done and defeat Rita Repulsa before the next commercial break, then… they’re not fighting anything! They’re fighting losers!
Kit: They are fighting losers!
Miles: They’re fighting losers with loser names like the “Fighting Flea!” And all these (Kit: -laughter-) abilities are totally fine. Godzilla, again, has passed through black hole, uh, has nuclear atomic energy breath, which I don’t believe the Power Rangers have faced before.
Colin: No, but they uh…
Dan: They do have a shield that can reflect energy. The Mastodon shield has been show that it can very easily deflect and reflect energy. I’m sure it won’t do anything to Godzilla, but it’s not gonna touch their MegaZord.
Miles: That’s totally fine (Colin: And..) uh, except for the fact that it will… (Colin: An atomic technology –unintelligible–) …rip the MegaZord’s head off like it did to MechaGodzilla. Again, (Colin: We’ll get to that.) Godzilla has… (Kit: Can it… deflect a flying jump kick?) fought — that’s right. (Kit: -laughter-) That’s a good point. Godzilla has fought alien technology before in the form of MechaGodzilla before and defeated it. I don’t see where you have a leg to stand on here.
Dan: Alright… lemme… lemme go over a couple of points. And Colin –
Liz: One… one second, Dan. I’m going to cap Godzilla’s size at 75 meters.
Dan: Thank you judge –
Miles: Fair enough.
Dan: – I think… I think that’s more than fair.
Miles: That’s a fair compromise.
Kit: Alright. He’s only a little bit bigger than the MegaZord.
Miles: It’s just, you know, a few meters…
Kit: A little bit… he’s still, like, thousands upon thousands of tons heavier.
Dan: I… I’m not overly-concerned with that.
Miles: He can still totally step on it.
Dan: Here… Here’s the thing. The Rangers have to contend with a very wide, uh, variety of enemies every week. And as a result, they are extremely good at adapting to new and different enemies. The MegaZord has several different modes in additional to it’s Warrior Mode. It’s also has it’s Tank Mode and it can break up into five separate Zords, each with their own powers and each with their own capabilities that can attack Godzilla from five different angles.
Ultimately, Godzilla possesses at best, a high animal level of intelligence of maybe equivalent to like a gorilla or similar. Each of the Rangers is a human of above average intelligence and the fact that there are five of them gives them a considerable range of perception that Godzilla couldn’t hope for even if he were a similar level of intelligence.
Colin: Yeah, they’ll be… they’ll be —
Miles: Kit… Kit I think you wanted to take the intelligence argument.
Kit: Yeah. He is.. he is shown to be more than intelligent enough to figure out how to defeat things that aliens have thrown up against him. Oh, and as for, like, the little things, the little robots, and Zords that are gonna come at him from all angles, he’s going to fall on them and crush them.
Dan: So, I’m sorry, you’re saying that his main tactic is to fall over?
Kit: I’m saying he does fall a lot, but he still leaves (Colin: Oh, I’m so afraid.) destruction in his wake. (Dan: Clearly the most –) He does! (Dan: Clearly the most deadly villain.) He doesn’t even have to try.
Colin: Real quick… real quick. We have – we have established, um, that there was a brilliant scientist who was able to create a device that once defeated Godzilla.
Kit: Yeah, but once…
Colin: Okay, Billy Cranston invented a flying car while he was in high school. And not only that, he invented communicator watches in the early ’90s which are more advanced than our modern cell phones, because they don’t need cell towers or anything and they have a seemingly infinite range. He also invented a machine which lets people switch minds. You know. So there’s that. And, all of this, you know, doesn’t take (Kit: How long does that take?) Doesn’t seem to be that long, just sort of (Dan: Within the span of a single episode.) in between — Yeah! So…
Kit: How long can we, like, how much time do we think is passing in these episodes.
Dan: Less than a day in most cases. It’s usually between when school lets and out and before they have to go home to dinner.
Miles: Billy Cranston with his genius IQ better hope he is smart enough and fast enough to invent a machine that will defeat a… unstoppable force of nature before that force of nature eats too many of his friends and family.
Dan: If he can’t, you know who can? Zordon. Who is a- (Miles: -laughter-) Who is about ten thousand years old and is possessed of vast alien intellect. And possesses the resources to very quickly assemble whatever he deems necessary.
Colin: For the record, the Power Rangers have a whole bunch of other Zords and technology that they don’t use whenever they face something greater than whatever they faced before, they just pull out some new Zords and just give them to the Rangers. The reason they don’t bring them out all the time is because Zordon is worried about collateral damage, and escalation, and things like that. The second rule of being a Power Ranger is you do not give more force than what – than the force that you’re facing. Um, which is why they don’t bring out the Zords when the monsters are still small, for instance, and why they don’t morph when they fight Putties. But they have more than enough power to face just about anything that they fight… they just.. they just go back to Zordon, “We need better Zords,” and then he makes the Zords better. Uh-
Miles: There is (Kit: Yeah if you can…) no evidence–
Kit: If you can get away from Godzilla.
Miles: There is no evidence that any of the technology you’re talking about, that any of the weapons or anything like that could defeat something like Godzilla. Literally, nothing has ever done it.
Colin: I… you –
Dan: Well, literally, nothing has ever withstood the Power Sword that the MegaZord has used. Literally nothing.
Kit: Also, we’re just, like, fighting “literallys” here.
Colin: For the record, um, I believe it was established that nothing more powerful than a nuke, at the very least something on the level of nuclear weapons is what you need if you want to be damaging Godzilla. Is that correct?
Miles: So they’re gonna nuke Angel Grove?
Kit: The only thing that was was the Oxygen Destroyer. Which, by the way, it’s fallout created a monster called Destroyah, that basically fired off the equivalent of that weapon’s power (Dan: Yeah…) and Godzilla was able to overcome that (Dan: A..again –) so he got through it …
Dan: — we are talking about, uh, Earth level technology. What we are talking about –
Colin: From the 1940s.
Dan: From the 1950s, specifically.
Colin: ’50. My mistake. I apologize.
Miles: Thank you.
Dan: What we are talking about is an alien weapon that can, uh, produce a.. a blast of energy so concentrated that it just leaves monsters as dust in a single hit. Again, no one has ever survived a direct hit from the Power Sword. As soon as they get in one hit with that, Godzilla’s out. It doesn’t matter how invincible he seems to be, he’s out. And, uh, with regards to your previous point, the Rangers automatically teleport from a Zord if it is destroyed and return to the command center. So Godzilla, it’s feasible, it’s very unlikely, but it is feasible, he might be able to get in a lucky shot and damage the MegaZord. The Rangers leave, go back to the command center, Zordon gives them a more powerful Zord which then walks in, brand new and stronger, while Godzilla’s still trying to catch his breath from the last battle. It’s just –
Miles: You’re saying… you’re saying the Power Sword.. the power of the Power Sword produces more stress on a monster than passage through a black hole.
Dan: I’m saying it’s a much more efficient weapon than a nuclear bomb (Miles: Okay.) which has been shown to be able to effect Godzilla.
Miles: Uh, in… in various ways, both positive and negative. (Kit: As in om nom nom…) But again, I don’t think… yeah… but
Colin: And, yeah, bringing up the MechaGodzilla example I belive that he only ever defeated Mecha Godzilla because Godzilla was struck by lightning multiple times and was able to channel that energy and use it against MechaGodzilla.
Miles: He actually… (Kit: Yes.) He actually knocked his head off, actually.
Colin: After absorbing a lot of lightning.
Kit: There’s two different MechaGodzillas, actually.
Colin: Okay, which one are we talking about?
Miles: Okay, he fought him a number of times, and uh, he defeated him on a number of occasions. I don’t see how any sort of advanced alien technology, no matter where your ten thousand year old child pimp is getting it from (Kit: -laughter-) um, is going to take down what has never- what has gone through the height of cosmic friction, the most powerful thing, most powerful force the universe can create (Kit: How can you claim -) Godzilla has passed through that.
Kit: How can you claim that (Miles: And lived.) Godzilla’s eye beams aren’t as powerful as your sword, when all they’ve ever faced was the god of destruction, Godzilla. Of course it could not beat him.
Dan: Uh… I’m –
Miles: Plus –
Dan: I’m saying because, I’m just looking at their track records. The Rangers have defeated every monster that has come at them and destroyed them, given enough time. The thing about the Rangers is, even if you defeat them, that’s how they level up. That is (Miles: Well guess what?) how they get better.
Miles: Even if –
Kit: Uh, that’s how Godzilla levels up, too!
Miles: Even if you defeat Godzilla, what do you think he’s going to do? He got reduced once to just a beating heart and he grew back from that. I don’t think you’re going to defeat either his hide or his regenerative capacity with, uh, shiny toys from, you know, super saiyans.
Dan: I would, I would say that a dimensional portal, which Zordon has shown to be able to use, would be a convenient place to toss a regenerating Godzilla and get them out of Angel Grove’s hair forever.
Colin: Yeah, I mean, they’re.. they’re all about sending people to alternate dimensions in Power Rangers. We could just like, yeah, chuck him into an alternate dimension if they can’t destroy him. That seems like another thing they could totally do.
Dan: The other –
Miles: Just like this easily, yeah –
Liz: Sorry, last… last point for either side.
Dan: Alright. If I may? Uh, the Rangers have the very district home field advantage here. They know Angel Grove inside and out. They’re very capable of taking advantage of it’s particular geographic features. Besides which, Godzilla may see Angel Grove as the location of it’s latest snack, but the Rangers are fighting for their home and even Godzilla could tell you that any creature’s at its more dangerous when it’s cornered and when it’s fighting for it’s home.
Miles: The Power Rangers lack conviction. They are teenagers who don’t know what they are doing very well. They haven’t been doing this whole thing very long at all, and frankly they’ve shown a habit of not even wanting to be Power Rangers on numerous occasions. several of them just leave the time, give up their abilities because they’ve done enough already, when they want to attend a world peace summit. I don’t think for a moment that these kids are going to have the mental fortitude to even stand up against a destructive force like Godzilla.
Liz: Alright, that does it for our main arguments. That was really good, guys. Each side had really great points, but… let’s move on to the Lightning Round.
Miles: Ahhh! The Lightning Round!
Kit: The Lightning Round!
-various thunder and lightning sounds from the advocates amongst laughter-
Liz: This is….
-continued lightning sounds-
Liz: – is a round …
-more lightning sounds-
Liz: -where the advocates (Miles: -laughter-)
-solitary lightning sound-
Liz: -have not been made aware.
-tiny lightning sound-
Liz: Of the scenario (Miles: -laughter-) in advance. Are you ready advocates?
-final lightning pop-
Dan: We are ready.
Miles: Yeah, absolutely!
Liz: Since both series have dabbled in this area… -deepens voice- Welcome … to Space. (Colin: Oooo…) It is Space Lizard versus Space Teenagers. It’s like my favorite thing to say. Okay. -normal voice- (Miles: -laughter-) Here’s our setting. In order to create a showdown for the ages, crazy scientists have engineered an advanced styled space suit for Godzilla. (Kit: -laughter-) The Power Rangers have been chosen to be Godzilla’s opponent while in their Zords or MegaZord form. After launching them both into space, both sides find themselves in an asteroid belt surrounded, at a distance, by a single, larger-than-either, space station and multiple capital ships, comparable in total size to both participants. We’re also going with, uh, Godzilla at 75 meters. So, suspending our disbelief for a moment, both sides are able to navigate in space as easily as they have been portrayed as being able to on Earth. Because thrusters. (Miles: That’s right. Others: -laughter-)
All right, space advocates, let’s hear your space arguments. Please remember to utilize your new surroundings. Anything that I have mentioned in that intro is fair game.
Colin: Okay, so to start us off, the Power Rangers know what space is. Um, and are familiar (Miles: I was wondering.) (–all laugh-) … and are familiar with
Liz: -laughter- I mean, they are teenagers, give them some credit.
Colin: -And are familiar with the concept of zero gravity and space ships, whereas Godzilla will be totally out of his element. I mean, his thrusters may give him the ability to maneuver through zero gravity, but his tiny lizard brain, I mean, it’s probably still like a pretty big, because he’s pretty big, but relative to his body, it’s still a tiny lizard brain, will be completely out of his depth in zero gravity. Uh, the Power Rangers will be able to figure out, like if they see the capital ships, they’ve dealt with aliens before. They will be able to, say, you know, contact them on their communicators, try to reach out to them for help, or, if not, they could manipulate them into attacking Godzilla. There are any number of things that they could do in this situation that would be useful that would require human level intelligence and an ability to improvise that Godzilla lacks.
Dan: I might also point out the Powers Rangers do have –
Kit: I disagree with that.
Dan: The Power Rangers do have a direct line to Zordon who is a space traveler. Uh, he knows exactly, uh, how to travel through space, he knows how to, uh, he knows how to best utilize the sort of environment that space would have.
Colin: He knows what the aliens are that they’re meeting.
Kit: You guys are relying an awful lot on this Zordon. I thought this was Godzilla versus Power Rangers.
Dan: We are utilizing the resources that are available to the Power Rangers, among which is Zordon. Beyond which, uh, in this situation, Godzilla’s atomic breath is not going to serve him particularly well if he is restricted to being inside a space suit. In addition –
Liz: I will – I will say… Let me stop you right there.
Liz: He still access to all his powers. (Dan: In.. in some…) You can’t use that. (Dan: In some fashion?) Yes.
Miles: And he doesn’t even need a space suit…
Colin: He’s got a mouth hole.
Liz: We are not eliminating powers, (Kit: He certainly…) cause I had originally conceived this argument as Power Rangers only in MegaZord form, but once the height differential was… I figured I would just give them their basic forms too.
Dan: Very well. That’s fair. I have one other point to make, uh, which is that all of the Power Rangers foes come from space. And the Power Rangers’ foes have shown that they do not work well together and they are, uh, very sore losers and each of them wants to be the one that defeats the Power Rangers. So, I’m thinking that the Power Rangers will be fighting Godzilla, when suddenly, from the moon, comes an army of giant monsters that Rita is, uh, just putting on an assembly line to send after Godzilla now that she has seen it. Lord Zedd is in the area, presumably, and may do the same. The Machine Empire may do the same. I just think…
Miles: Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait… Rita is attacking Godzilla?
Kit: Yeah, what is this? How are (Miles: Why?!) your enemies suddenly your resources?
Dan: Because the Power Rangers’, uh, the Power Rangers’ foes do not work well together and they are very quick to turn on each other.
Kit: Well, can I say this? In Final Wars, Godzilla had no problem handling multiple monsters. Multiple monsters bigger than anything the Power Rangers have fought. Bigger than the MegaZord. He can blast them to death with one shot of his atomic breath, which he still has.
Colin: Mastodon Shield! Mastodon Shield.
Kit: He can use his magnetic powers to pull the Mastodon Shield away from the MegaZord.
Dan: If he gets struck by lightning multiple times. That is the only way his magnetic powers turn on.
Miles: Can I… can I also, uh, just say one thing, that Godzilla has shown tendencies toward precognition, so he probably already knows what you’re going to do before you do it.
Kit: True, true.
Miles: Uh, I would also like to present before the court exhibit A, which I call Godzilla versus Monster Zero from 1965, in which Godzilla goes to space and fights a monster. So, to say that he does not have any experience fighting large opponents in space is utterly ridiculous. Spa- he, uh.. again, black hole. Uh. (Colin: -laughter-) (Kit: -laughter-) This is a place where he has traveled, has been, I don’t think he even needs the damn space suit to survive in the vacuum because he’s fucking Godzilla. So, you know, there’s all kinds of stuff going on here for him to create havoc with. There’s a space station. There’s ships. There’s gonna be wreckage flying around everywhere that he doesn’t care about, it’s just gonna bounce off him, it’s gonna play major havoc, uh, with the Power Rangers and any Zords they bring to this fight. Kit? Got anything else?
Kit: I think you got this.
Liz: Okay. I want to again initiate executive powers. -gavel clacks – I guess judicial powers, but, whatever.
Miles: Bang it again, just for fun.
Liz: -bang, bang-
Miles: There you go.
Liz: -Ahem- Anyways…if you were writing a script for a TV show or a movie, please tell me how your character would defeat the other character, scene by scene.
Colin: Godzilla… whatever he tries to do, he attacks the Power Rangers with his atomic breath, he attacks them with kinetic force, which it’s shown in the Nasty Knight they can also absorb and channel for some reason, if they feel like turning that switch on, and, what, basically, whatever he throws at them they can absorb or dodge or, just, you know, a few little sparks fly off of them and they… they seem okay. But as soon as there’s an opening, they charge up the Power Sword, they chop him in half, and just like every other monster, no matter how big it is, Godzilla goes down. Dan, I don’t know what else do you want to add?
Dan: I will say that the Power Rangers achieve their victory in a couple of specific ways. First of all, they target the thrusters on Godzilla’s suit, which, uh, then makes it impossible for him to maneuver. Which is not the sort of thing that Godzilla (Kit: Ha!) would be able to do because he doesn’t recognize what thrusters are and doesn’t have the level of precision to target all the Power Rangers thrusters (Kit: I think he does…) simultaneously.
Colin: Against the Spit Flower and the Eye Guy, they both find when there’s an enemy that has a single weak point, they can analyze it and figure out what the weak point is and hit him in the weak point.
Kit: Godzilla can fly. He can propel himself…
Colin: Correct. However he has no –
Miles: Yeah, there’s… there’s no –
Kit: He understands how to propel himself.
Dan: He has to be facing away from the direction he’s flying in because he propels himself using his breath, (Kit: Not an issue!) which puts him at a significant disadvantage if he is trying to fly toward the Power Rangers, which I imagine he would be. The other thing I would say in writing this script is that the ship in question at the center of the asteroid field, just so happens to be the Astro Mega Ship, which is, of course, the Power Rangers’ ship / MegaZord from season six, Power Rangers in space.
Miles: Oh, you are full of shit! -laughter-
Dan: I am writing this script, sir, and this is what happens.
Colin: I don’t think we need it, but if you wish to go ahead…
Liz: Go on. I’m intrigued.
Dan: They have the technological capability to utterly cripple Godzilla in space and then maneuver around him and pick him off, basically with impunity. At this point, they could throw him into the Sun, they could throw him into outer space. It doesn’t really matter. They don’t even have to kill him necessarily, once they’re in this situation and his thrusters are disabled. Once they’ve thrown him off at a considerable enough distance and at a considerable enough velocity, he’s not going to be able to get back to Earth. The Power Rangers have won this fight.
Colin: But they totally will kill him, just for the record.
Dan: They totally could. But they don’t have to.
Colin: Yeah, and um, we mentioned they have a lot of enemies in space, they also have a lot of allies in space. (Miles: Okay.) For example there’s the aliens (Miles: So…) from Aquitar.
Miles: So, you know, if you, if you’re gonna do that, let’s just bring out the allies for a second, shall we, if we’re gonna, if (Kit: In-deed.) we’re gonna bring allies into this.
Kit: Yeah, I did not (Liz: I will allow this motion.) -unintelligible- allies was a thing.
Miles: Because, uh, you know, the first, the… exhibit a, Godzilla versus Monster Zero featured the first appearance of King Ghidorah who was his opponent for that film, however, King Ghidorah has, along with most of the monsters that Godzilla has ever fought, would later go on to team with Godzilla to take down other foes. If the Power Rangers present as much of a threat as you’re saying they do… which they don’t, you’re wrong about that… but if they did, then I would argue that Godzilla has some friends of his own that he can call upon if he were to get into a dire scenario. My version of this script would see Godzilla coming toward the spaceship and the colony, slowly destroying everything in his path.
The Power Rangers realize the true nature of their threat, the fact that something has to be done. Their first encounter with Godzilla, he just, like, smashed them. You know that scene in every, like, Power Rangers episode where, it’s just that one shot and all the Rangers go like flying to the floor from some unseen force? (Kit: -laughter-) Like, that would totally happen and then later, of course, yeah, sure, they go back to Zordon, they power up, maybe they put up a better fight. And just as they’re about to deliver what they think would be the killing blow, even though it totally wouldn’t be, there are numerous other cries ringing through the depths of space as every other creature in Godzilla’s arsenal of allies descends on the helpless teenagers with less than, you know, they’re usual attitude at this point, more with a little bit of urine running down their legs, and (Kit: Ha ha!) just totally rips them to shreds and then, and then, Godzilla and his friends do the same to Rita, Zedd, and anyone else who might be on their bad side because, again, there ain’t no stopping these things.
Dan: May I ask how, uh, how, uh, these friends of his are, uh, hearing this commotion and also surviving in space when there is no sound or air in space?
Miles: Godzilla is psychic, sir.
Kit: Yes, we… yeah, definitely.
Miles: It’s been well established.
Kit: Also –
Dan: He’s precognitive. I don’t know that he’s telepathic.
Miles: He’s.. he’s –
Kit: Godzilla has allies that are…ugh, how do I explain it without sounding like… “Oh, Japan, (Colin: A nerd?) you’re so weird?” Um… Oh, okay..
Dan: We’re well past that threshold, I’m afraid.
Kit: Oh… There are… hell… these little fairy spirit things that have shown up multiple times in Godzilla movies to help Godzilla and his allies. I believe they mostly align themselves with Mothra, but Mothra has helped Godzilla in the past. If there was an issue… they would know and they could come aid Godzilla. Also, you’d better hope Godzilla doesn’t get his hands on you, which he fucking could, you’re really relying on the fact that he’s a dumb lizard, which he’s not. He’s a pretty damn sapient, super evolved Godzillasaurus, sir.
Miles: Yeah. Godzillasaurus sir, indeed, man.
Kit: If he gets his claws on the MegaZord, he will pop that open and rip you apart. And plus, you know, with the space it might (Miles: Yeah. Pl- plus )… might make you blow up.
Miles: Plus in the vacuum of space, there’s going to be all sorts of nuclear energy flying around without even any consideration for what happens down below. So.
Colin: Which the Power Rangers are (Kit: He’ll have no problem propelling himself.) also capable of channeling and using.
Miles: Oh yeah, sorry. Mastodon Shield again?
Miles: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Uh huh.
Liz: Order. I will have order. This is really difficult. I am going to look over the notes I have made, consider each of your very well put together arguments and deliver my verdict. Please… be nice for the next minute or so. You may talk.
Kit: Fucking teenagers, am I right?
Miles: Yeah… You guys put up a better fight than I thought you would, although I guess I shouldn’t have expected as much. (Kit: -laughter-) SHOULD HAVE, rather, should have expected it. (Kit: I – I did not expect ) is what I meant to say.
Kit: …so much cheating.
Miles: Liz came prepared for the low blows!
Dan: This is… this is basically part and parcel of what the Power Rangers do. There’s a big ol’ monster, they say it’s the strongest thing they’ve ever seen. Oh no!
Colin: Indestructible! It… it’s…
Dan: Oh no. Wait, five minutes later, oh no, it’s just like (Miles: Yeah.) any other monsters (Kit: Yeah.) we’ve fought.
Kit: I… I … I like –
Miles: The difference in this case is that this one actually is.
Colin: That’s what they say every time.
Dan: I don’t know, that power sword coming down, it’s coming hard. We’re gonna see what happens.
Kit: Yeah, good luck getting through his flesh!
Miles: Godzilla… Godzilla’s doesn’t look like… Godzilla doesn’t sit there looking like crappy claymation. Even in ’54 he… even in the ’54 movie he looks better than that shit the Power Rangers fight.
Dan: Lets… let’s be real here. They’re all men in rubber suits. (Colin and Miles: -laughter-) None of them has a leg up on the other. Like, that… that is … an (-unintelligible)
Miles: I… I don’t know-
Kit: I ..(Miles: I saw some pictures.) I love how you guys … I love how you guys take away the size that we established for Godzilla, but then you bring out all these cheating-ass allies like Zordon. Just have a one on one fight with the fuck-off huge Godzilla.
Dan: Listen… Liz estab- Liz established what the – what the circumstances were. We are working within the circumstances.
Kit: And so were (Miles: Let me put it this way…) we. You guys set Toho Godzilla.
Miles: At least they were smart enough not to mention Alpha 5.
Dan: Alpha 5 –
Colin: Alpha 5 aside, The Power Rangers’ greatest strength is their ability to work together and Zordon and Alpha are a part of that team.
Miles: Aw… that’s so cute. Nuclear fire.
Colin: Mastodon shield. (Kit: -laughter-)
-laughter from all, especially Miles-
Kit: Oh, did we forget to mention even if you guys, you know, get out alive of this Godzilla fight, they’re all gonna die from cancer. (Colin: -laughter- Miles: -laughter-) Because he leaves radioactive… fallout.
Miles: Yeah, their hair (Kit: Like they’ve shown in the very first movie.) is totally falling out.
Dan: That’s fine. I’m sure that’ll be of much comfort to Godzilla when he’s a smoking crater or tumbling through a parallel universe or off flying past Pluto somewhere.
Kit: (sinister) He will come back! He always does! (Miles: Hey, if he flies past Pluto-) Stronger, more friends, maybe with the, uh, Mi-go from Yuggoth.
Miles: If he flies past Pluto, do you think he can give us better data than New Horizons?
Dan: You know what? I .. I .. I’m kind… Like, at this point I’m almost willing to switch sides just to have Godzilla be, uh, effectively, our Interstellar News Reporter.
Kit: He’s defender of the Earth! He just wants nuclear nom noms once in a while. Just let him-
Miles: That’s right! That’s all he wants. (-laughter-) He was born of your hubris, after all!
Dan: Listen, all I’m gonna say is, if we look at their theme songs, Godzilla picks up a bus and then he puts it back down. In… On the other hand (Miles: -laughter-) with regard to the Power Rangers, no one can ever take them down. The Power lies on their si-ie-ide … ie-ie-ie-ie-ide.
Kit: You know, I bet Godzilla could figure out how to play guitar if they made one big enough.
Miles: All right
Liz: I will have order.
Dan: You missed my crowning argument, Liz, unfortunately
Miles: Yeah, it sucks.
Colin: All right
Liz: This was really, really tough. I have to go with Team Godzilla
Kit: YEESSS!! (-Godzilla skreeonk-)
Liz: You know, and –
Miles: Right decision!
Kit: It’s okay, I’m –
Colin: You guys made a really good argument. You made- you brought up a lot of stuff about Godzilla that I did not know was (Liz: Yes!) true.
Kit: (sinister) You are welcome! Look… I .. I think (Miles: That research was fun!) what needs to happen now is, uh, Godzilla team up with Power Rangers movie… versus, uh, some other nonsense.
Colin: Yeah, well…
Liz: And you know…
Colin: …Maybe realize there’s no nuclear power plant in Angel Grove or something. (Miles: -laughter-) They just make him go attack Rita.
Dan: And then they –
Kit: Yeah, basically.
Dan: And then they merge into a new Zord, which is a very painful process for Godzilla, I imagine.
Liz: And… and …
Colin: They try to attach Zords to him and he is not okay with that!
Liz: Uh… one thing I will say that I enjoyed hearing from the Power Rangers and I wish you guys elaborated on a little more is how you would target Godzilla’s thrusters. I was really, really hoping for a snow speeder tying up an AT-AT (Kit: -laughter-) (Dan: Yeah!) comparison. If you would’ve done that, oh my gosh, you would’ve won my heart over immediately.
Dan: I – I was actually going with more of a Star Trek approach, but I will keep that in mind for future reference.
Miles: Did… did you guys know there actually is a thing called Power Rangers Godzilla Force?
Colin: No, what’s that?
Miles: I have no idea, but it’s on the internet.
-Theme music begins: Hit Man-
Liz: Thank you for listening to Smash Fiction and our nerd-fueled rage. Our show next week will be Master Chief from the Halo series versus Samus Aran from Metroid battling their way on a ship to see who can kill the Alien queen. This case is now closed.
Dan: Smash Fiction is produced by Miles Schneiderman with logo design by Colin Mulkerin.
Liz: Special thanks to Kevin MacLeod, of the Clan MacLeod, for our theme song, which is called Hit Man. You can find his works at http://www.incompetech.com
Kit: You can follow Smash Fiction on Facebook at facebook.com/smashfictionpodcast and on Twitter @smashficpodcast.
Miles: If you have any suggestions, feedback, or other contributions, send them to us at email@example.com and help us continue the fight!
Kit: Go, go, Gojira!