1 – Terminator vs. Predator

HUGE thanks to Matias Tautimez for transcribing this for us!

Smash Fiction Episode 1: Terminator vs. Predator

Judge: Kit Mulkerin
Terminator Advocates: Colin Mulkerin and Liz Logan
Predator Advocates: Miles Schneiderman and Dan Mulkerin

Kit: Welcome to Smash Fiction, where we pit two or more nerdy icons against each other in a battle of strength or wits and argue who would win: This week, Terminator vs Predator.

-Theme Music: Hit Man by Kevin MacLeod begins-

Kit: It is the year 2004, the place Los Angeles. John Connor, now a young adult, has made a habit of constantly keeping his guard up and always traveling with a weapon after being attack by the T1000. Knowing Skynet’s proclivity for sending time traveling robots after him. Thus, he notices when a blur like heat coming off of a hot blacktop seems to be following him.

When this blurred figure brings up a triangular targeting laser, John Connor fires first, then runs. The figure is a Predator using his cloaking device and it is now intrigued by this human. The Predator decides this prey is worthy of his undivided and lethal attention and that it will not leave Earth without the head and spinal column of John Connor.

Fortunately for Connor, the Resistance in the future has sent a reprogrammed T-800 model terminator back to 2004 to be his protector-

Colin: Uh, actually,…

-music stops-

Colin: Excuse me, sorry… it’s actually a series 800 model 101 terminator. Just clarifying…

-long pause before music resumes-

Kit: This Cybernetic warrior complete with hyper-alloy combat chassis and inexplicable Austrian accent quickly identifies the threat the predator presents and moves to defend John Connor. Will the Terminator terminate this ugly motherfucker or will the Predator have the last, long, drawn out, out of character laugh? I don’t know. That’s why I, Kit Mulkerin, am the impartial judge this week.

-music fades out-

Advocating for the Terminator are Colin Mulkerin.

Colin: Hello everyone.

Kit: And Liz Logan.

Liz: What’s up, party people?

Kit: Advocating for the Predator are Dan Mulkerin

Dan: Now I know why you cry. Because you know you’re going to lose.

-mixed laughs-

Kit: And Miles Schneiderman

Miles: I got nothing to say to that, just here I am!

Colin: If I’d known we were preparing witty comebacks, I would’ve written something ahead of time if I knew it was that kind of show.

Miles: -laughter-

Liz: Yeah, we’re trying to keep this clean guys. C’mon.

Dan: I’m sorry, I thought that this was a battle to the death.

Liz: Oh, well maybe I’ll sling some mud over my body and hide from you, I don’t know… and then kill you.

Miles: It’s a battle to the death-

Dan: That remains to be seen, Logan.

Kit: -laughter- Alright. We have determined, through a complex and archaic system who will be advocating first: we flipped a coin. Team Terminator, you have the floor.

Colin: Huzzah. Alright, so, for the Predator killing is a weekend excursion. Most of the time, on his home planet, he’s probably just like an accountant. He’s probably frustrated in his marriage, you know, he’s got a kid who doesn’t listen to him and now he’s down on earth trying to kill off some humans and burn off a little steam, you know? Pick on some people that are weaker from him, just so he can feel like a big man for once. But, the Terminator, for him, killing is not a weekend excursion: he is a machine designed to kill. Designed by another machine that’s smarter than any human who’s ever lived. Killing is what he does.

Liz: Let this thought linger in your head for a little bit. Human Arnold does it in Predator. Robot Arnold should have no problem whatsoever. Let’s put some evidence on the table, shall we? The Terminator is durable. The Predator is not durable. The Terminator has shown time and time again that he is pretty much bullet proof, doesn’t even bother taking cover, half the time, especially in Terminator 1, bullets bounce right off of him. He literally wades into a police station, full of cops, takes bullets, and still gets out with what he needs.

Colin: Established that it’s thirty cops in the police station that he has to work his way through. And he (Liz: yeah.) takes bullets from all of them and leaves none of them standing.

Liz: Exactly. The Predator is not bulletproof. He’s a bit heartier than a normal human, but nine times out of ten, most people start shooting at him with bullets of any caliber, he responds by either taking cover, running away (like a little baby) implying that he is afraid of bullets. In Predator 1, he gets grazed by a bullet and he basically, immediately has to run away and heal himself, which takes a bit of time and it is useful, but, yeah, the Terminator can just come up and blow his head off after taking some missiles, rockets, blah, blah, blah.

Dan: Not if he doesn’t see where he stealthed off to.

Colin: We’re getting to that!

Liz: Yeah, well,

Kit: Yeah, okay, hold on…

Liz: We’ll get to that! (Colin: Wait your turn.) Don’t worry about it!

Kit: Wait your turn…

Colin: So yeah, and this implies, the fact that he needs –

Miles: I’m still processing the fact that Predator has like a wife and kid in his life back home.

Dan: You didn’t see the tasteful necktie hanging up in the back of his – in the back of his ship in between all the skulls?

Miles: Oh god, is that an Easter egg?

Colin: No –

Miles: I didn’t miss – I missed that Easter egg on the DVD.

Colin: Yeah, he had a coffee mug that said  “World’s Greatest Dad?” It was…

Miles: -laughter-

Dan: He had to take his tie off ’cause it doesn’t cloak. (Miles: -more laughter-) 

Colin: But, anyway, yes, the fact that has this healing technology implies that he can be defeated by mortal weapons. The fact that he needs to use it implies that if he didn’t, he would die, meaning that guns and bullets can kill him if he doesn’t heal himself in time.

Liz: Exactly.

Colin: The Terminator is good with weaponry, the Predator, his weapons are not very good, though. The Terminator can wield weapons better than just about any humans. He fires two bullets at a man from a reasonable distance, in quick succession, and hits one kneecap with each shot, and he also shoots open a padlock using a shotgun, one-handed, while riding a motorcycle. His aim is so precise that when he’s not trying to kill people in Terminator 2, he’s able to fire a minigun on full auto into a crowd of police officers, and he weaves it through all of them and destroys all of their vehicles  and scares all of them away without hitting any of the cops.

It takes the Predator a long time to line up his shots. He has to wait for his targeting computer to boot up and draw one side of the triangle, and then the other side of the triangle, and then the other side of the triangle, and then it can finally fire. And apparently, his computer is about as powerful as an Atari 2600. Ordinary humans can often see this reticule and dodge out of the way before the shots hit. And the Terminator has reflexes faster than that of a normal human. He grabs John Connor and pulls him out of the line of fire on multiple occasions, and that’s from people using guns that don’t have to dial up and connect to like, fucking CompuServe or whatever and spend half an hour buffering before they fire.

Dan: Is it an Atari or is it CompuServe? Decide!

Miles: No, the Predator uses Earthlink. It is known.

-laughter-

Colin: So, even if the Predator’s weapons hit, though, I’d argue that there’s no evidence that they’re stronger than conventional human weapons. They do kill people when they hit them, but he only ever hits unarmored targets, for the most part. Um, there’s only one time he hits a target wearing armor. Harrigan’s wearing a Kevlar vest and the Predator shoots him with a rocket and he just falls over and then he gets back up. From a rocket! From the Predator! And, like, not even all high caliber bullets are stopped by Kevlar, so clearly this rocket, it was like this advanced alien technology is about as strong as a bullet and the Terminator’s bulletproof.

Liz: And please remember, knives go through Kevlar, but this guy’s rocket can’t go … through… Kevlar…  (Colin: Yeah.) Like… really, people? C’mon.

Miles: I guess he’ll have to use the plasma and energy weapons instead.

Colin: Anyway – (Dan: We’ll – we’ll get to that, Miles….) Terminator – Terminator has a bunch of really small, miscellaneous talents that are useful, he can blend in with humans, unlike the Predator, he has multiple, enhanced modes of vision, it’s established that there’s something call and “H K” in the future  which has infravision, Kyle Reese said in the same paragraph when’s he’s talking about that the Terminators are more advanced than the HKs, implying that they have that vision. You do see that Terminators have night vision in Terminator 2. Also, humans, after seeing Predator for a little while, gain the ability to spot them and recognize them. So, the Terminator, whose vision is better than humans, can probably see the Predator coming.

Kit: Terminator, please wrap up your arguments.

Liz: Our final argument is that the Predator’s eyesight really, really, sucks. I mean, half the time, I feel like the movies are him just flicking through his little eyesight thing trying to figure out which spectrum he should be seeing in. I mean, it takes all this time. So, infrared, which is what he has, sounds really cool, but why do you think that humans here on Earth see visible light and not infrared light? Why do you think most animals on Earth see in the visible spectrum? Because on Earth, like, 99% of the time, it’s way more useful to see in the visible spectrum. Maybe on the Predator’s home planet, the atmosphere is such that visible light would be less useful, but he’s not on his home planet and in both movies his vision causes him way more problems than it helps him.

For example: having to find out which spectrum he should see in. You know, he can’t see things that aren’t giving off a lot of heat. More hindrance than helpful.

Colin: Also, he can’t read, so … there’s that.

Kit and Miles: -laughter-

Liz: Yeah, I mean, come on.

Miles: Well, neither can you!

Liz: But the Terminator can!

Kit: Is Team Terminator done?

Colin: I suppose.

Liz: We are adjourned.

Kit: Okay, Team Predator, you have the floor.

Dan: So, when I first pitched this match to you guys I was kind of expecting the advocates of the Terminator to argue for both sides being unarmed. And you didn’t. And, you know, both of them being unarmed, I think, would be close to a fair fight. But giving the Predator all of his weapons is almost beyond-

Colin: And his weapons that don’t pierce Kevlar-

Dan: Well-

Colin:  -just for the record.

Dan: Well, that… that has yet to be established because here’s the thing: the Terminator comes from a timeline with comparatively advanced and futuristic weaponry, but he can’t take any of it back in time with him. So he’s limited to whatever weapons he managed to find by the time a fight breaks out. Now, those weapons as we’ve seen, are typically limited to modern-day pistols, rifles, shotguns, uh, occasionally a grenade launcher or rocket launcher. All of those weapons, every single one of them, have been proven to be useless against the Predator. In each of the Predator’s movies, he’s carved up groups of highly trained cops, drug dealers, and US special forces squads that were armed with some combination of those weapons. They’re just too inefficient and too primitive to take out an advanced and highly skilled alien hunter. In comparison, the Predator comes to this fight with his cloaking device, shoulder-mounted plasma cannon, extendable spear, wrist-mounted claw, magnetically guided razor disc, which can cut through entire sides of beef, so I’m guessing it’s not going to have any problem with Kevlar, a net launcher, and assorted booby-traps – not to mention-

Colin: Uh, Kevlar’s tougher than beef, I just want to point out for the record.

Miles: -laughter-

Dan: I’m talking about an entire slab of beef.  As in it cuts through the entirety.

Liz: Kevlar wins this argument.

Colin: I apologize. It was a lot of beef.

Dan: Yes. It was. I’m just saying, you could fire a gun into a side of beef and the bullet would not come out the other side, whereas the disc absolutely does. And – and –

Liz: Depends on what kind of bullet…

Dan: -and in addition, he does have that med kit, which you mentioned, which as long as he has a couple of seconds to get away, he can fully patch himself up, in case the Terminator does manage to get in a lucky shot. Now –

Colin: Uh, it’s more than a couple seconds, and every time he does it, he screams like a little baby, totally giving away his position. -chuckles-

Liz: Yeeeep.

Dan: Now, secondly, the Predator’s skills, I would argue, are significantly greater. The Terminator has been programmed with extensive knowledge on how to take down human opponents. And maybe, the occasional cyborg, in case he needs to deal with a T-1000 or TX. For enemies beyond those, though, the Terminator is completely in the dark. The Predator, on the other hand, has hunted prey on potentially dozens of worlds and he knows how to take down all of them. Now, in addition, he is from an advanced culture, and while the Terminator may be an advanced piece of machinery to us, it’s basically a toy to a creature from a highly advanced culture that’s spent millennia perfecting how to hunt and kill anything. I will emphasize, that is his culture, not a culture of accountants as you so speciously put forth. His entire culture is based on hunting and killing the toughest things they can get their eyes on. Miles?

Miles: Oh, well, I think it’s clear after that presentation that in any sort of direct confrontation where the stipulations are more or less equivalent to the rules of Thunder Dome, the Predator beats the T-800 every time. However, let’s say we can construct a hypothetical scenario in which the Terminator somehow wins that fight. It’s a stretch, it’s kinda crazy, and it still wouldn’t make one damn bit of difference because the Predator doesn’t need to defeat the Terminator in combat to win this scenario. No. All the Predator has to do is kill John Connor, who is under the Terminator’s protection, and accomplishing that feat would be embarrassingly easy.  

After all, separating it’s victims, drawing them away from one another, and disposing of them one by one, is a key element of the Predator’s modus operandi. It can deceive humans via camouflage and voice mimicry, tactics that might not fool the Terminator, but would probably work on Connor himself.  It possesses weapons, as Dan said, that can kill instantly from a distance, and the tactical skills required to effectively use them. And it has patience, a willingness to stalk its targets and learn about them, before making the kill. Remember, again, hunting is not just a hobby for the Predator or even a profession. It is fundamental to the Predator’s existence. The single most important aspect of the culture in which it was raised. Hunting is what the Predator IS and avoiding or disposing of its targets protectors is second nature. In contrast, consider the protector in question: a machine that was designed for no other purpose but to kill. The T-800 had to be totally reprogrammed in order to become a protector rather than a murderer and we’ve seen at least one example of a Terminator being reprogrammed again to follow it’s original goal of killing John Connor when the TX reprogrammed the TA 50. In other words, the Terminator is inherently unreliable as a protector, a role for which it was not designed. This against a highly advanced alien whose entire existence revolves around collecting the skulls, and spinal columns, of its victims as trophies.  A straight-up Terminator vs Predator death match would still be decisively won by the Predator, but you might at least be able to sell tickets to the fight. When the Predator’s objective is merely killing John Connor, even the ballsiest of Atlantic City oddsmakers are walking away from the table because there is no point in betting on a sure thing.

Dan: I do believe that is our argument.

Liz: Okay. I have two points –

Colin: Well you made a lot of – a lot of flowery analogies in there-

Dan: I do believe it is the judge’s- (Colin: -but I didn’t hear a lot of evidence-) -I do believe it is the judge’s time to dictate the course of this trial, sir.

Liz: Well-

Kit: No, I think, uh… I think it’s pretty close. I think (Liz: Rebuttals?) if it was just between Terminator vs Predator without John Connor involved, that would be one thing, and if it was, you know, John Connor involved, it would be another.  Um… I definitely want to hear you guys argue amongst -chuckle- amongst yourselves in a polite but chaotic manner. So uh – have at you.

-laughter-

Liz: All right… so there’s two-

Colin: It’s our turn for rebuttals, correct? (Liz: -there’s two points.)

Kit: Uh, yeah. I mean, you guys can start… but, uh…

Liz: Can I – can I go for two points, real quick?

Colin and Miles: Go for it.

Liz: Two points  I wanna immediately get out there in the open: You mentioned the Predator is pretty much immune to conventional weapons and it has patience. I don’t believe either of those things. With the conventional weapons, the Terminator doesn’t need conventional weapons to take it out. It didn’t take out the T-1000 with a conventional weapon, it knocked it right into a molten vat of whatever… and that’s how it got rid of it.

Miles: -laughter- Well, hopefully, one of those is around.

Liz: But the thing is, the Terminator has been show it can adapt to the surroundings, it knows when to pick a fight and know when to retreat from a fight, it know show to slow its enemies down and then take it to a place where it can kill it because it has a vast knowledge base of everything that’s going on in Los Angeles. I mean, we’re fighting on our home turf. Of course the Terminator’s gonna know where things are, where a hydraulic press would be. Maybe it could take out the Predator that way. Who knows?

Dan: I fundamentally disagree with, literally, every point you made, but I will – I will save it for (Liz: All right!  Miles: -laughter- ) my turn on the rebuttals.

Liz: And so… and-

Colin: If… if… conventional weapons can’t harm the Predator, he wouldn’t need his healing device whenever he got shot.  He wouldn’t take cover from bullets every time bullets started flying. And you’ll notice that the way that the first Predator gets defeated is ’cause a human tricks him in – in a trap where a log falls on him and the second one gets kills cause a human defeats him in hand to hand combat and stabs him with one of his own weapons, whereas the Terminator in the first one survives being inside of an oil rig that explodes and only gets killed later when he gets crushed in a hydraulic press and the second one succeeds in his mission, something that neither Predator does in the movies, and is lowered into a vat of molten steel because his mission is complete.

Liz: The other point I wanted to touch on was the patience thing. You say the patience- studies it’s targets real well before it goes in? No, it doesn’t. Because each time, the Predator has been prey to its own horrific hubris. The Predator is such a prideful creature, it think it has its prey under its talons, claws, whatever, and then it lets its guard down ever so little, each time it’s defeated, in Predator 1 and 2, whoever it’s got, the humans Arnie or Dan Glover, just hits it right in the mouth and defeats it and it falls prey to that every single time. It just cra –

Miles: Well, first of all –

Liz: -crazy pride. I mean, it’s even killed with its own weapon! I mean, it lets one of its own weapons be stolen and then gets killed with it.

Miles: I would say this in – in response to that: the first thing is, the Predator obviously has patience, it spends the entire first half of the original film studying its targets and mimicking their voices and generally learning how to manipulate them – (Colin: Giving the Terminator time to learn things about the Predator and its -) before it even kills any of them. (Liz: Exactly.) That’s cool. But you made the point that if human Arnold can take out the Predator, then robot Arnold should be able to do it easily, and I just want to point out that the Predator had human Arnold totally beat, dead to rights, the only reason that guy even survived was … Dutch or whatever the fuck his name was … was the fact that the Predator recognized him as an honorable target and decided to remove his mask, remove his energy weapons, let Arnold go, and then proceed to go into what it assumed was a fair, hand-to-hand combat fight. I don’t see that happening in this instance.

Liz: Thank you for showing its fundamental flaw.

Colin: Is that it’s prideful and that it gets distracted from accomplishing its mission by wanting to show what a big shot it is and wanting to take someone in a hand-to-hand fight.

Liz: Why would it not – (Dan: And here’s the thing…) why would it not see the Terminator as an honorable opponent –

Miles: Because (Liz: What’s the basis for that?) -the Terminator isn’t it’s target.

Dan: The Terminator isn’t its target. The Terminator is a robot that is protecting the Predator’s target who is John Connor. And you guys have talked about the Terminator being able to learn and analyze, but it is shown that the Terminator has a chip that allows it to learn which needs to be turned on. It is, by default, turned off. That is not something that it rolls off the factory line being able to do.

Miles: And even then the Terminator isn’t going to be walking around planning traps and getting all creative with this thing, it’s a robot for God’s sake –

Dan: Right, the Terminators use –

Liz: (unintelligible) – you until it recognizes the threat.

Dan: The Terminator’s usual… that tactic for attack is to walk in a straight line directly toward whatever its goal is and just shoot at it. You know who did that against the Predator? That aforementioned group of  US Special Forces that the Predator carved up because that’s exactly the sort of situation in which the Predator excels. When it’s objec –

Miles: Jesse Ventura with a minigun. That’s who did that.

Dan: Yup. And I’m not saying that I’m not saying that conventional weapons are ineffective against the Predator because he’s immune to them, I’m saying they’re ineffective against the Predator because he’s extremely good at avoiding them. It doesn’t matter if it’s a soldier or a robot that’s shooting at him: the Predator is simply not going to be where that weaponry is going.

Miles: That is correct-

Colin: The Terminator’s aim is better than that of any human and the Predator will most likely not be prepared for that. And I also just wanted to add, um, one second, I have to find my thought. What was that really horrible point you just made a moment ago that made absolutely no sense? Liz, you wanna help-?

Miles: I don’t recall…

Liz: I don’t know, there’s so many to choose from- I don’t know.

Colin: I know, um, a Terminator without its switch being flipped is the Terminator in the first movie. It does not have its learning computer turned on and it’s still shown to be incredibly creative and resourceful. It manages to find Sarah Connor’s journal, like a diary and has like a lot of information about her including a lot of phone numbers and figures out where her mother lives, goes to her mother’s house and kills her, implies–you know–tortures her and extracts her-

Dan: You know, you guys are really leaning on this whole advantage of the Terminator being able to read. I feel like you’re running out of resources here.

Miles: -laughs-

Kit: Uh… hey… hey guys

Colin: It illustrates a great point– yes, Judge? I apologize, Judge. What did you need to say?

Kit: Uh… how ’bout a lightning round? Djuhh juhh juhh…

Miles: Oh, shit! The lightning round?

Kit: -laughs- Alright. The advocates have not been told this new scenario in advance. At some point, John Connor, with the Terminator, obtains a vehicle and drives south. The Predator, however, cannot be shaken off so easily and unwittingly forces their route toward the happiest place on Earth. Connor the Terminator aban-

Miles: Do you mean that, uh, do you mean the Terminator does the only thing it ever does (Kit and Liz: -laughter- ) to protect anyone? Just run?

Kit: Hold on! Lemme finish… my damn paragraph…

Miles: Sorry. Go ahead.

Kit: Connor and the Terminator abandon their vehicle and flee into the crowds at Disneyland. Advocates, make use of these new surroundings in your arguments. And don’t play nice.

Dan: As I recall, the Predators get to go first during the lightning round, is that correct?

Kit: Uhh…. sure?

Colin: That was the agreement we had come to before…

Liz: We will acquiesce your request.

Dan: Okay. So… here’s the thing. The Predator basically at this point needs to pick out the Terminator and John Connor from a crowd. Now, as you pointed out before, the Terminator can blend in with humans. This would be true if the Terminator also read like a human to both infrared and, yes, ultraviolet-

Miles: Or, you know, any of the myriad ways of seeing the Predator actually has.

Dan: Yes.

Kit: A mantis shrimp he is…

Dan: Ah… he is, he is a veritable mantis shrimp. With a plasma launcher –

Liz: And he’ll spend plenty of time changing through his little vision things.

Dan: Now, if John Connor gets a chance to talk to the Terminator, which it sounds like he will, he’s going to convince the Terminator not to kill anyone, nor hurt any of the children that are running around in Disneyland. The Terminator will be in a veritable sea of  people, unable to charge forward or really unleash his full potential, whereas the Predator has no such restrictions on his behavior, can simply perch atop Sleeping Beauty’s castle and shoot the head right off the Terminator (Miles and Kit: -laugh-) or more likely, off of Christian Bale, or, you know, Nick Stahl or Edward Furlong or whoever John Connor is this time.

Miles: It – it takes some time to adapt to new surroundings for the Terminator. Case in point, it doesn’t see any problem, initially, walking around naked until it realizes that everybody else isn’t doing that. So, I feel like the Terminator would get a little bit confused by the chaotic and completely incomprehensible scenarios represented by Disneyland-

Colin: This is total nonsense you’re saying right now. It just (Miles: I…) it just it sounds like words. (Miles: I specialize in that.)

Dan: I’m just seeing, I’m just seeing the Terminator shooting at Mickey Mouse thinking that it’s the Predator. That’s all I’m saying.

Miles: It’s… yeah, it’s a (Colin: What?!) a threat, is what it is.

Colin: Have you guys seen the Terminator? Like, even once? He doesn’t have clothing because you can’t time travel with clothing and his first goal is to get clothing. That made no sense, what you just said. And the Terminator, uh, he’s surrounded by human flesh, it’s like grown, it’s basically like cloned human tissue that would probably read exactly the same as a human. First of all –

Kit: Alight, wait, wait-

Miles: That’s not-!

Kit: Okay, here … here’s a question. If the Terminator had to steal a cast member’s clothing, which one would he choose?

Liz: Uh, Gaston.  Duh. Gaston,

-laughter-

Liz: -incomprehensible-  whatever, would like, impress all the ladies and gets wherever he wants because everyone wants pictures with Gaston. (Dan: Uh, I’m gonna say…) Look it up on the internet. You’ll see.

Dan: I’m gonna say, I’m gonna say Peter Pan, I, uh… largely,

Colin: Peter Pan would probably allow for a great range of movement, (Dan: -laughter-) so I think that might be, uh, it would be a very, like, not encumbering costume, it would make a lot of sense, so yeah.

Liz: I’m telling you, Gaston. Have you seen how far open his, uh, shirt is? On his neck? (Colin: That’s true… ) He can totally pull it off.

Miles: So far open…

Colin: All right, they got a lot of time to make their (Liz: Ooo baby!) lightning round point and I feel like they’re (Kit: Oh, no, no, no…) they’re (Miles: No we did not.) interrupting us. And we let them talk.

Kit: Oh no no… please go back. I just felt that was really important for me to know.

Dan: We would have got more got more time if we hadn’t gotten interrupted. Just pointing out.

Miles: Absolutely. And I just want-

Colin: Alright, just wrap up whatever you wish to say. Go for it.

Miles: Oh you know, the Predator just would not be confused by this court of human culture. They’ve been observing human culture for a millennia and so I’m not-

Liz: And failing at killing at them for a millennia, too.

Miles: I think actually, succeeding at killing many, many, many of them, and I feel like the Predator would be completely at home in the surrounding of Disneyland and, as Dan pointed out, totally free of any moral constraint that would inhibit the Terminator in this situation.

Colin: Uh, okay, the Pred- the Term- the Predator being free of moral constraint is proven to be not true. He spares a pregnant woman and he spares, and he uh- he – and he spares children on multiple occasions, and he spares people who are unarmed. He refuses to attack even adults who are unarmed, who are non-combatants.

Kit: There’s a lot of those at Disney.

Liz: Exactly.

Colin: There are a ton of those in Disneyland. The Terminator on the other hand, when he gets given the new objectives in Terminator 2 about how he’s not allowed to kill anyone, he adapts to it very quickly and it does not slow him down at all. He takes on –

Liz: And he is constantly shown to be able to immobilize and remove them from the fight without killing them.

Colin: He does that numerous times throughout Terminator 2.

Dan: So you’re saying he’s going to start kneecapping children?

Colin: He is going to be able to, (Miles: -laughter- Liz: No, no…) as I mentioned earlier, he is going fire in crowds with civilians around and not hit them.  At the end of Terminator 2, he climbs up, as we said, he climbs on top of a building, shoots into a crowd of police officers, scares all of them away without hitting any of them, using a minigun, firing into a crowd of police officers. He walks into a group that are firing on him with guns and fires a bunch of gas grenades into the room, then walks up to them and pulls off all of their gas masks and knocks them unconscious without getting hurt, basically just taking bullet shots to the chest the entire time, something that the Predator would not be able to survive. The Predator would be so confused by the chaos of Disneyland, with his really atrociously terrible heat vision and his inferior knowledge of human culture relative to the Terminator that he will be way more out of his element than the Terminator would be in Disneyland.

Dan: Once again, the heat vision being one of his vision modes. One. Of his vision modes. He is the mantis shrimp of the universe.

Miles: And the Terminator can do all that stuff he wants to, the fact remains that at some point, three little dots are showing up on John Connor’s face and there’s nothing Terminator can do about that.

Colin: Every time the three dots show up on people, like, over half the time, people go like “Oh, there’s three dots. Well, at some point in the next fifteen seconds I have to, like, step two feet to the left (Miles: That is not factually correct!) And… the Terminator… (Miles: That is wrong. That is nonsense  Kit: -hyperventilating laughter-)

Liz: That is what the movies show.

Miles: I…

Colin: One side of the triangle. The other side of the triangle. The other side of the triangle. Oh wait, I can (Liz: Oh look, a targeting laser!) fire now. Oh, hey, look at that. Oh, mmm… if I had a robot brain that thought super fast, maybe I could like, do something about this before I get shot by this.

Dan: Yeah, it’s a shame I got lured away from my–from the person I was trying to protect by someone who sounded a lot like him and then slipped away into the shadows.

Colin: Uh, the Terminator proves in, uh, when he’s listening to the T-1000 doing voice mimicry that he’s not fooled by voice mimicry.

Miles: But John Connor is.

Colin: The Terminator will be with John Connor at all times and will not allow him to fall into the traps, that is what happened in Terminator 2.

Miles: The Terminator does whatever John Connor tells him to do.

Kit: So.. So much nerd rage. I think I’m going to have to retire to my chambers for a moment. Alright… Um…

Liz: Um…If… If one…

Kit: Um…talk pleasantly amongst yourselves ’cause I am – I am (Liz: May I make one – ?)  genuinely taking the headphones off.  Oh, you want one more point?

Dan: No!!! (Liz: One more – just) She doesn’t get another point!

Miles: No! She doesn’t get one more point!

Kit: -laughter-

Liz: I can even – (Colin: I have been talking a lot… ) I can even give you a setting for where this could take place at Disneyland. Tom Sawyer’s Island. (Kit: I’m intrigued… I’m… okay. Tom Sawyer’s…) If we want  to recreate the events of Predator 1 and take it out, you know, in a  less conventional way, (Colin: Take it… to the jungle?) may- (Kit: -laughter-) maybe a log, you know Tom Sawyer’s Island runs through the caves, trip up the Predator, make, uh, maybe cut up some really heavy rope bridge and drown him. (Colin: Yup.) Easy. (Miles: -laughter- Colin: There’s a lot of -) Tom Sawyer’s Island. And if he wants to, (Colin: You know, Splash Mountain has a lot of logs.) he can hide in the water

Colin: There’s a lot of logs (Liz: Lot of logs…) on Splash Mountain.

Kit: -squeaking laughter for several moments-

Miles: -laughter-

Colin: We know… that Predator is defeated by a log, so…

Dan: Here’s the thing. If you think there’s not a-

Liz: Logs a’ droppin’.

Dan: If you think there’s not a giant metal smeltery somewhere in the depths of Disneyland, you are a fool. And that is where the Terminator’s doom awaits him.

Liz: Well, what about, uh…

Colin: If he decides to throw himself into it, then maybe-

Dan: Do you know how many fireworks are in Disneyland? Do you know how many of those would take out the Terminator?

Kit: I’m sure there’s a smeltery in, uh, that Roger Rabbit ride.

Dan: Oh yeah, absolutely. (Kit: There’s definitely some industrial stuff in-)

Liz: Hey, there’s Dip. There’s Dip.

Dan: There is Dip.

Liz: I’m telling ya, the logs, the logs, man. They’re making a come back. And they’re droppin’ hard.

Kit: Okay, I’m gonna-  I’m gonna return to my chambers, uh, be friends now for a moment.

Dan: Well, I hope you’re all proud of yourselves.

Colin: I’m very proud of my self.

Dan: You’ve spun.. you’ve spun such an elaborate and shameful web of lies.

Miles and Colin: -laugh-

Dan: Just…

Miles: Complete fiction…

Dan: Yeah, I mean, I know… uh… like maybe, maybe we should (Miles: -laughter-) maybe we should name this podcast specious court, ’cause that’s clearly the direction you guys wanna take it, you know?

Liz: I mean… our dude’s a robot, like, did you do your homework?

Miles: Yeah. Our dude’s an alien who’s better than a robot.

Dan: Yeah.

Miles: You know… you know the… you know the best thing to use to take out an alien? Another alien?

Dan: Yeah.

Miles: Yeah.

Dan: Maybe.. maybe something… maybe something from, uh, a similarly advanced culture. You know?

Miles: Yeah…

Colin: Like.. uh… like Skynet… which invented frickin’ time travel and is just as advanced.

Miles: Advanced? Skynet is not an advanced culture.

Colin: It invented time (Liz: Uhh….) travel! (Liz: Yeah…)

Miles: Skynet is…

Colin: They also have plasma weapons!

Miles: Skynet is like this…

Colin: Their weapons are just as advanced as the Predator’s.  They also have plasma-

Dan: Which they can’t take back in time with them!

Colin: But- They’re from just as advances of a culture!

Liz: They don’t need it to kill a Predator. I mean, it’s been proven.

Miles: Skynet is basically Google Glass. Let’s be honest about this. Skynet is like the internet from ten years from now.

Liz: Which is still in development, Google Glass is still in development.

Colin: And has been advancing at an exponential rate and is just as intelligent as any advanced alien civilization.

Miles: Well, there- there’s no evidence for that.

Colin: THEY INVENTED TIME TRAVEL! Do the Predators have time travel?!

Dan: Does Skynet have space travel? (Miles: This is science fiction… inventing time travel isn’t hard)

Liz: They have, uh, flying hovercraft. You see that.

Dan: Yeah, yeah, okay, that- that’s the same as superluminal travel.

Miles: Take that into space! Yeah.

Liz: Hey, it’s probably not far off.

Kit: Are you guys are still arguing?! I told (Liz: Damn right!) you to be friends!

Dan: All right, all right, the judge has-

Colin: I want to use some of this stuff we talked about in the recording –

Miles: Oh, don’t worry, this is going in!  Don’t worry about that.

Kit: Oh, that – that’s the point. The point is to give you extra time to-

Dan: Alright, Judge. Render your verdict.

Kit: All right. So, this was really difficult and I think…the most complicated part of this argument was John Connor. When we were initially thinking up this – this episode, I had it in my mind that it was going to be Terminator vs. Predator and, you know, John Connor was just the explanation as for why they would run into each other. Man. Um… This is cutting it super close, you guys both did sooo freakin’ well in the argument, but um… You know I’m the judge. (Colin and Liz: -stifled laughter-) I get the final say. I’m gonna…have to give this to… uh… Team Terminator.

-mixed cheers-

Colin: Yeees! (Liz: Boom, son!) Oh, man! What? What? You got nothing!

Kit: And… Dan’s gonna leave me forever.

Dan: This is a grotesque miscarriage of justice, I’ll have all of you know. I’m taking this to the Supreme Court.

Miles: Hehe, yeah!

Colin: There is no court  (Liz: The Supreme Court of nerd!) more supreme than this one. So…

Miles: That’s right. That’s a good point, actually.

Liz: First-

Dan: I have the truth to keep me – to keep me warm at night.

-laughter-

Kit: You know, you can – you can (Colin: I have – I have victory and victory is far warmer) bitch to the, uh, reporters after the show’s wrapped up.

Liz: Oh, man. Thank you, Arnie (Miles: Fair enough.) Thank you. You will (Colin: I just -) inspire me for generations.

Miles: Get to the CHOPPAAA…

Colin: I just wanna thank (Liz: The CHO-PUUH!!) Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Kit: -squeaking laughter-

Colin: And uh…

Liz: My main man.

Miles: And his latest horribly grossing film?

Dan: Ha ha!

Liz: You know- marketing team.

Colin: Unlike all three Predator films, which are so great.

Liz: -thank you marketing team, for making me not go.

Dan: Man, the last one was frickin’ good!

Miles: Yeah, did you see Predators with Adrien Brody? That shit was the bomb.

Kit: Yeah, it’s got Adrien Brody!

Colin: Yeah, yeah… Predators…

Liz: I saw it in theaters…

Dan: Alright.. wrap it up…

Colin: -but the other ones are not – but Predators is good, I’ll give you that. Yeah, yeah.

Miles: Yeah it is.

-Music starts: Hit Man by Kevin MacLeod-

Kit: All right.. uh, thanks everyone for listening. (Colin: -incoherently talking about the Predator movies while Kit is talking-)

Dan: Hey, hey! We’re trying- We’re trying-

Miles: Colin’s still talking! -laughs-

-music stops-

Kit: That’s for you too. Thank you for listening, Colin.

Dan: You guys won, give it a rest!

-music resumes-

Kit: Uh, thank you for listening-

Liz: Good fight guys!

-music pauses-

Miles: Aw… shit… -laughs-

Kit: Jesus, this wraps up about as well as an SNL show.

-laughter-

We all keep talking to each other…

Someone, probably Liz: Woo! Woo!

Miles: All right, everyone shut up, except Kit!

-music resumes-

Kit: All right – Thank you all for listening! Uh, next week’s show: Godzilla vs. the Power Rangers.

 

Dan: Smash Fiction is produced by Miles Schneiderman, with logo design by Colin Mulkerin.

Liz: Special thanks to Kevin MacLeod, of the Clan McLeod, for our theme song, which is called “Hit Man.” You can find his works at http://www.incompetech.com

Kit: You can follow Smash Fiction on Facebook at Facebook.com/smashfictionpodcast and on twitter @smashficpodcast.

Miles: If you have any suggestions, feedback, or other contributions, send them to us at smashfictionpodcast@gmail.com and help us continue the fight!

 

Dan: You uh, you uh, you guys wanna hear the other phrases I came up with after… after

Liz: Yes, please!

Dan: “If it bleeds I can kill it! If it doesn’t bleed, I can unplug it.” That, that was fun. (Kit: -laughs- I like it.) The next one I came up with was “You’ll wish you’d gotten to the choppa.” (-laughter-) And, and…  the last one was “The Terminator may look like a man, but inside he’s a girly man.” So… anyway… those are…

Miles: -laughs-

Liz: Whoooaa…. Veto!

Miles: Yeah, seriously. Sexist.

Kit: -laughs-

Liz: God! You bastard (repeats in an Arnold impression)

Dan: I’m just- I’m just turning his own words against him. I am shocked that neither Kit, er – neither Liz nor Colin made one single Arnold impression this entire match.

Colin: -laughs-

Dan: Cause I know you two both-

Miles: That’s actually really impressive.

Liz: -indistinct Arnold moans and grunts-

Kit: -laughs-

Liz: (in Arnold voice) Get to the choppa!

Colin: Just make it- not where-

Liz: (in Arnold voice) I’m Arnold!

Colin: -where it’s just- (indistinct Arnold moans and grunts)

Liz and Colin: -melody of indistinct Arnold moans and grunts-

Miles: -laughs-

Kit: Oh God…!

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